Joys Of Mass Emails

Unbeknownst to most students at the community college, myself included, there was a law passed that required that the community be informed of any possible threats. Well, apparently a little thing like murder happened at a business adjacent to the community college and an email warning was spawned by the powers that be:

From: "Ike XXXXXX" <XXXXXXXX@occc.edu>Sent 2/9/2007 4:00:15
PMTo: CurrentStudents@email.occc.eduReply-To: CurrentStudents@email.occc.eduSubject:
Safety Alert OCCC
Timely Notification BulletinPossible Threat to the Community"Right to Know"February 09, 2007
In compliance with the "Timely Notice" provision of the federalJeanne Clery Disclosure of Campus Security Policy and Campus CrimeStatistics Act of 1998 the Oklahoma City Community College Safety andSecurity are giving notice of a violent crime act reported to haveoccurred across the street from the Oklahoma City Community CollegeCampus.
REPORTED OFFENSE:On Thursday, February 8, 2007, at about 11:00
pm, on the northwestcorner of Southwest 74th street and May Avenue near the
E&J Food Mart(Between Dollar General and Burger King), a man was found dead
from agun shot wound, Oklahoma City Police Department Homicide Detectives
arequestioning 2 witnesses.
SUSPECTS:No suspect information is available at
this time.
If you have any information that might be helpful in
thisinvestigation, contact the Oklahoma City Police DepartmentInvestigations
(Homicide Unit) at 405-297-1126.
Ike XXXXXX

Take notice of the Reply-To line at the beginning of the email. This is important.

Wasn't that a nice message though? Apparently a few other students thought so as well, so they decided to respond in kind. Here is what Joyce had to say:

From: "Joyce XXXXXXX" <XXXXXXX@email.occc.edu>
To: CurrentStudents@email.occc.edu
CC: Date: Sunday, February 11, 2007 8:26:34 AM
Subject: Re: Safety Alert OCCC
I did not know this service was available and I surely do appreciate the notafication. I frequently stop Burger King to eat and will reconsider my options untill I hear more about how and why this happened to this unfortunate man. Again Thank You, Joyce XXXXXXXXX

Aww. That was a nice thank you. Well, except for the minor spelling issues.

Someone else thinks this was valuable information. Here is Melodie's take:

From: "Melodie XXXXXXX" <XXXXXXXXX@email.occc.edu>
To: CurrentStudents@email.occc.edu
CC: Date: Monday, February 12, 2007 1:32:40 PM
Subject: Re: Safety Alert OCCC

Wow, thanks for that information are you going to let us know asap if there is anything else with that investagation. Thaks again.

That was nice too, except for the fact that these people don't know their response is going to the entire 12,000 student population.

Some people are a wee bit irritated by the mass emails and want to put a stop to it...by sending out another mass email. Here is David's contribution to the chaos:

From: "David XXXXXXX" <XXXXXXXXXX@email.occc.edu>
To: currentstudents@email.occc.edu
CC: Date: Monday, February 12, 2007 1:44:59 PM
Subject: Schoolwide emails
Please stop responding to schoolwide emails such as the recent security update. Your responses are not only going to the sender, but to every student currently enrolled at OCCC. My inbox just can't handle the load. Thanks.

Glad David is straightening things out by overloading everyone else's inbox. Smart thinking!

Wait. Julie never responded to you, DAVID! See:

From: "Julie XXXXXXX" <XXXXXXXXX@email.occc.edu> To: CurrentStudents@email.occc.edu
CC: Date: Monday, February 12, 2007 2:15:48 PM
Subject: Re: Schoolwide emails
i havent ever responded..thank you
bye
Nikki

Whoops, yet another mass email. Looks like that didn't help much David, you dummy!

If you think that was rude, see what our next entrant, Anna, has to say to David:

From: "Anna XXXXXXXX" <XXXXXXXXX@email.occc.edu> To: CurrentStudents@email.occc.edu
CC: Date: Monday, February 12, 2007 8:49:55 PM
Subject: Re: Schoolwide emails
I have never respondeed to any of your emails. So thank you for the rudenes. fatty. now le

ROFL.

Now everyone in school knows that Anna has indeed never responded to David's emails. They also know that David is officially a "fatty".

Now, I can only imagine what the next 4 minutes and 41 seconds were like in front of Anna's computer as she realized she'd just sent out a rude email to everyone in the school and they now know that she is both a moron and a rude bitch.

Looks like Anna figured out a way to get out of this mess:

From: "Anna XXXXXXX" <XXXXXXXX@email.occc.edu> To: CurrentStudents@email.occc.edu
CC: Date: Monday, February 12, 2007 8:54:36 PM
Subject: Re: Schoolwide emails
My apologies. I did not send tht last email.
A "friend" got onto my computer and typed that message in. I am sorry for the
inconvenience.

I'm still trying to figure out what "friend" means. Is this a hacker? A "friend" that's more than a friend? A "friend" that's not really a friend at all? Maybe she's just plain lying and she's trying to cover up her stupidity... Nah. It must've been a hacker. *rolleyes*

Anyway, it's a good thing Anna explained herself, because Natasha here, was just about to open up a can of crazy on her ass:

From: "Natasha XXXXXXXX" <XXXXXXXXX@email.occc.edu> To: CurrentStudents@email.occc.edu
CC: Date: Monday, February 12, 2007 9:55:01 PM
Subject: Re: Schoolwide emails
OkAY THANKS... that had me worried there... i was like "what"

Note to everyone in the school: If you say something rude to Natasha, she's not going to take your shit. She's going to be like "what"(.)

I'm trying hard not to do my snakehead impression while reading Natash's email. Really.

Look, Kim is sick of this mass email thing (just like David above) and decides to send out, you guessed it, ANOTHER MASS EMAIL:

From: "Kim XXXXXXXX" <XXXXXXXXX@gimail.af.mil> To: CurrentStudents@email.occc.edu, CurrentStudents@email.occc.edu
CC: Date: Tuesday, February 13, 2007 7:53:26 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Schoolwide emails
OK for those who do not realize this you are replying to everyone on the list. Please quit oing that it is filling up my inbox with BS mail. Be polite and just reply to the one person that it needs to go to.

Kim, I don't think it's a matter of politeness. They are indeed clueless.

Sean T. has the right idea though:

From: "Sean T. XXXXXX" <XXXXXXXXX@email.occc.edu>
To: currentstudents@email.occc.edu, CurrentStudents@email.occc.edu
CC: Date: Tuesday, February 13, 2007 11:16:39 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Schoolwide emails

Thought i would join in on the mass
emails being sent.

Good stuff.

Looks like the system administrator finally has their arms around the issue... 4 days later. OUCH:

From: "System Administrator" <sysadmin@email.occc.edu>
To: CurrentStudents@email.occc.edu
CC: Date: Tuesday, February 13, 2007 12:07:17 PM
Subject: Campuswide emails
I apologize that a reply sent by a recipient to the security message sent by Mr. Ike Sloas was distributed to all members of the
email distribution list. I believe that this has now been addressed. We certainly do not want users receiving unwanted emails. I wanted everyone to know that we are aware of the situation.
System administrator

The Looking Glass

I don’t care if you’ve been hiding in Hitler’s bunker, you’ve no doubt heard about Anna Nicole Smith’s death by now. It’s been all over every cable news station and just about every online news source. You can’t turn on CNN or Fox News without either hearing more news about the situation or a commercial about more news about the situation.

This has no doubt spawned countless complaints, editorials, and articles from viewers and talking heads alike. They don’t like the coverage and endless talk about the circumstances of her death. I’m sure the irony of this hasn’t been missed by most of you, my intelligent readers. And this IS irony. Not the Alanis Morissette version of irony. The real irony.

Bill O’Reilly even had a segment complaining about how the coverage of Anna Nicole Smith has supplanted real news. This is coming from a guy who dedicates whole segments of his show to feud with other talk show hosts. I can see his segment segue now. “I am OUTRAGED at how the coverage of Anna Nicole Smith has overridden every single last important story today! Barely a peep about Iraq, North Korea, or abortions! So I’m done with it! No more talk about Anna Nicole Smith or other fictitious news. On to real news. Let’s turn to the (*dun dun dun*) War On Christmas!” My eyes roll into the back of my head at the mere thought.

There are only two reasons, that this writer can think of anyway, why the newswire is full of Anna Nicole Smith up-to-the-second reports. Either the news networks have an agenda or we, the people, want to hear about it. I don’t think they have an Anna Nicole Smith agenda, so I can only surmise that we want to hear about it.

Ridiculous. Why would we want to know about the sordid details of Anna Nicole Smith’s life and the turns that led to her death? Preposterous.

And yet here we are, watching the massive shiny television screen. Clicking, irresistibly, on the online story along with photos of Anna Nicole Smith in bed with the Bahamas Prime Minister. What a nasty woman. That bitch.

There are some that decry the fact that we didn’t pay this much attention when Don Knotts died, or even Red Buttons. They would be correct too. We didn’t. Those two also aren’t part of our current consciousness. They also didn’t die at the age of 39 in a hotel room. They also weren’t blonde, big-boobed, beautiful babes; people that are supposed to have perfect lives.

Is that it? Was Anna Nicole Smith supposed to have a perfect life? Is that what we, as a society, expected? Do you know even one single person that has had a perfect life? Even one? Why would we expect such a thing of Anna Nicole Smith?

Anna Nicole Smith married at the age of 16, had a child by 17, and was divorced by 18. She never graduated from high school and eventually became a stripper. Sure sounds like life started out right.

Then she became a Playboy bunny. She met oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II. Which one came first, I don’t know. She married the $1.6 billionaire. He died a year later and she claimed half his estate in a lawsuit. His family sued back. She won $450 million. The Supreme Court supported her. The case was overturned. The Supreme Court wants to hear the case again. She got a TV show. We watched it. She got pregnant with her second child. She married her attorney. She is constantly sued by all sorts of people, basically anyone that breathes air. She has a baby girl. Her son dies. She dies. Whew!

I know that was a quick summary. I assumed you really already knew most of it.

Well, America hates this woman. She’s a greedy, no-good, gold-digging, stupid, shallow, worthless piece of garbage.

Yet, America loves this woman. She’s blonde, beautiful, famous, skinny and voluptuous, rich, and accessible. Better yet, she fought her way out of the bottom.

So why all the lawsuits?

I can’t defend her actions. However, I CAN tell you this. If I were a vulture, I would have sued her the minute I came in contact with her. She has horrible public relations. Her image is completely shot. There isn’t much face to lose by suing her. Furthermore, most people would think she deserves it. I’d sue her for sure. IF, I were a vulture.

I’m not saying she didn’t deserve to be sued, because frankly I don’t know and I think I’m right when I say most of you don’t know either. What I AM saying is she is an easy mark. An easy mark potentially worth $450 million. I don’t think I need say more about this.

Anna Nicole Smith wasn’t innocent. No doubt, a fair amount of scheming was involved in many of the decisions she made, or were made for her. For that, does she deserve our scorn? For recognizing that she would never be a rocket scientist, and had to use other means to make her fortune? At least she did something about it. I don’t think she ever spent a day sleeping on a steam grate with a blanket downtown.

An aside, being a rocket scientist these days might be one rung below crazy. We, of course, knew that already.

Anna Nicole Smith bumbled through life. Like Anna in Wonderland, she bumbled from place to place, decision to decision. One adventure after another. It started like it ended. She lived a life of high adventure, and unfortunately for her, not enough smarts to see the danger. So, for that does she deserve our scorn? For not making wise decisions? It’s not like the life or the money is ours or would ever be ours.

Who doesn’t bumble through life sometimes?

Sometimes I wonder if Anna Nicole Smith isn’t really just some trick. A grander scheme than we realize maybe. Have you ever been to one of those fun houses where those mirrors amplify your waistline, or your feet, or maybe your head. I hate those mirrors. They make the normal parts of me look outrageous. I like the way I look. Is Anna Nicole Smith an amplification of ourselves? When we look into the looking glass, is Anna Nicole Smith our alternate reality? The ugliness that we don’t like in ourselves? The physical beauty we wish we had? The money? The drugs? The carelessness? The wrecklessness all blown up on the silver screen?

America loves an underdog. America also hates attention whores. America loves individuality. America hates people that are different. America loves a good success story. America hates it when people get too far ahead. We as a society embody all of these things, no matter how diametrically opposed they seem. You know what? Anna Nicole Smith embodied all of these too.

Watching the news reports about her, I have a hint of shame. Shame because like many, I am guilty of building her up and tearing her down. She’s dead, and although I didn’t know her personally, I can’t help but feel like my own bumbling, my own ideals, my own loathing of her, helped inch her over the edge, along with everyone else’s inch.

The looking glass has two sides. Watching the volcano that was Anna Nicole’s life is like watching our own tempestuous lives. And we shake our heads when we see it. What happened is ugly. When you look into the looking glass, what do you see?